First, the plan commonly attributed to either Mark Twain or M. J. Shields:

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter “c” would be dropped to be replased either by “k” or “s”, and likewise “x” would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which “c” would be retained would be the “ch” formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform “w” spelling, so that “which” and “one” would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish “y” replasing it with “i” and Iear 4 might fiks the “g/j” anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.

Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez “c”, “y” and “x” — bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez — tu riplais “ch”, “sh”, and “th” rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Second, the plan to turn English into German. (I remember seeing this forwarded via e-mail when I was in college, and I’m delighted to have found it again!)

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”:

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”– Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” wil be replaced with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”‘s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.


Ha! English spelling rawks!


Clearly, we paleo women need to stop lifting heavy weights and start this 1940′s workout routine! (Really, it’s hysterical!)

On the plus side — definitely no pun intended — these women look so much healthier than today’s stick-figure models!

For more on women and weight, I’d recommend reading Why Women Need Fat by Melissa McEwen and I’m OK, You’re Fat by Crystal Meadows.

The Story of Collectivism

Apr 122012

Jim M posted the following awesome little story on Facebook:

This is a story about four Collectivists named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. The consensus was that there was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anyone could have.

Apparently, the author is unknown.

Dog Desperately Seeking Ball

Mar 292012

This video of a dog desperately attempting retrieve its ball from the side of the pool is pure awesome.

Doggie Mae has a similar obsession with her Red Ball. A few times per week, Mae will insist on being let inside, then rush downstairs to wherever she left Red Ball hours before, and then excitedly return to us, so happy to be reunited with her best friend!

If only people were so enthused about their values!

The Hunger Games

Mar 292012

Paul and I saw The Hunger Games on Tuesday. We really enjoyed the movie, and I thought it a particularly stellar adaptation of the book. (Paul hasn’t read the books yet, but he plans to do so soon.) The plot was compressed well, the violence was not glamorized or overdone, I loved much of the casting and costuming, and Jennifer Lawrence was superb as Katniss.

The movie was a really good proxy for the books, I think. So if you liked the movie, I definitely recommend reading the books. If you didn’t like the movie, don’t bother reading the books. Also, the movie was such a good adaptation that I don’t think that you need to read the book before seeing the movie. (That’s usually a hard and fast rule with me!)

On a humorous note, here’s two negative reviews that I ran across while searching for movie times:

Clueless #1

I went to go see this movie this weekend and it made me sick. Literally I got sick and had to leave the movie because I felt like throwing up. After seeing the children killing each other, it left me with a sick feeling. This is not what I expected this movie to be about and it was a waste of money. It’s sad when hit movie is about people enjoying a sport about children killing each other. Where is the American peoples morale’s? No wonder our world is in so much trouble when we are saying this is going to be the Movie of the year. We have enough killing in this world why do we need to encourage it. I strongly recommend parents not to let their children see the movie. All it is doing is encouraging violence.

Hollywood I pray you become convicted and start fearing God and change what you’er making. You may not have to answer to someone in this life, but you will in the next.

Clueless #2

This movies is full of hidden meaning. The rich politicians controlling every aspect of the working class. Then getting their entertainment from the children of the working class between a certain age killing each other. Plus they bet on which kid will win so they make more money. It sounds a lot like what is going on right now with the politicians and the wars in the middle east. They have control of our working class kids and they can fight them to death, then sit back and collect of every last bit of it. All the talk before they actual get to the arena is completely unnecessary. The set up of the training events reminds me a little of Harry Potter. The actual arena is boring and the action sucks. Don’t waste your time or money.

Sadly, these people probably vote.

On a more serious note, some people are upset that Rue was correctly cast as a black girl… which is revolting. I’m not sure whether the criticisms of Jennifer Lawrence as too “big” for Katniss are worse or not… but they’re still revolting.

Alas, these people likely vote too.

But hey, we live in a world in which awesome books like The Hunger Games are written and published, then made into awesome movies. So phooey on my gripes! To hell with the morons!

Simple Math Versus Confused Woman

Mar 262012

If you’re driving 80 miles per hour, how long will it take you to go 80 miles? Well, the answer is not so simple according to this pretty young woman:

Paul suggested that the man is married to her for reasons other than her intelligence… but I’m not sure that anything could compensate for that level of ignorance!

This video was brought to you by the stellar education offered by government schools. Thanks, politicians!

Update: Here’s an interview with the couple on Good Morning America… and wow, she really is dumber than a box of rocks.

Protect Yourself from Mind Control

Mar 212012

In a comment on this post, Jason Gibson pointed to this Amazon e-book: Protect Yourself from Mind Control. And dammit, it’s hysterical!

Here’s the description:

Complete instructions for the proper construction and wear of the protective tin foil hat, including materials, the best brands and types of foils, a size chart, proper construction, safety considerations, even fashion tips! A must-have for any conspiratorial theorist, and absolutely hilarious if you’re not. Originally published as a hard-copy pamphlet-sized chapbook.

And here’s my favorite review: “This is a life saver!” by Tickleberries (5 stars):

For the last 20 years I have been making my aluminum hats wrong! All those unnessisary invasions of my mental privacy! I can not tell you how this book has helped me! All this time, I had not realized how much information was leaking out of my ears. The hat must have a way of covering the holes in your head that is closest to the brain bladder where all the words and whatnot are stored. If you have had the problem of information leakage, I suggest you read this short tutorial on how to make a “tin” hat. I’m thinking you could probably decorate it with glitter and such to make it more stylish. Gosh don’t miss this opportunity!

But, there’s a catch, as another reviewer observes:

We all know people who could use a good handbook on construction of foil hat liners. On the other hand, the people who need and want the knowledge are smart enough not to use a Kindle. It’s electronic. It even admits it transmits and receives radio waves. You might as well hire a crack addict to guard the pile of money in your apartment. No self-respecting member of the tinfoil brigade would consider owning a Kindle, even if you gave him one so he could read this book.

I’m almost tempted to buy the book, I must admit!

Craziest Comment Ever

Mar 202012

This comment was recently posted on a random Modern Paleo blog post:

Microsoft people are murderer and hackers…trying to control people through their software technology…they are developing a kind of virus to kill human being spread through the computer screen rays and electric ion and eventually combined with electromagnetic to become very stable in the air to kill people.

I can only recommend a tin foil hat… pronto!

Don’t Arrive an Hour Late for the Webcast

Mar 102012

If you plan to attend Sunday’s Philosophy in Action Webcast, don’t forget to set your clocks forward on Saturday night. If you snooze, you lose!

Also, in case you need to be reminded of just how stupid Daylight Saving Time is:

Rape: Just Don’t Do It

Mar 022012

A while back, I was pointed to this hysterical video of CK Lewis on rape:

It’s obviously relevant to last Sunday’s webcast discussion of consent in sex, but it also reminds me of this webcast question asking “Should a man ever act in real life as Howard Roark did in his first sexual encounter with Dominique?” My answer: HELL NO!

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