I wouldn’t exactly call myself a snappy dresser; jeans are the way to go for me–that is, jeans with the waistband above my derrière, not below it.

But if I see one more young male walking down the street with an iPod in one hand and holding up his pants with the other, I just might run up behind him, and WHOMP!, down they’ll go!

Chewing gum and walking at the same time is hard enough. But can you imagine the tremendous challenge facing young men today having to walk, chew gum, talk on the cell phone, select songs on the iPod, look ultra-cool and hold up their pants all at the same time?!

But being America’s self-appointed Fashion Vigilante has its grave responsibilities too. When I double-checked my “Fashion Police Handbook of Citizens’ Rights,” I discovered (much to my dismay) that I cannot just going around WHOMPING pants with the back pockets sagging around the knees.

So I guess I’ll just have to stick to exemplifying that certain jean-wearing je ne sais quoi: just-faded enough, just loose-fitting enough–but not too much!!!

And keep my hands in my own pockets. That’s the civilized way to be totally groovy.