This silly list of horoscopes was forwarded to the Boulder’s graduate philosophy list a while back. It was attributed to “Lije,” but I have no idea of the actual source.
- Aries: Emphasis on work, deadlines. Now would be a good time to do more reading. Drinking more than seven cups of coffee today probably not a good idea. Be trenchant!
- Taurus: Carefully check the premises and inferences of your latest argument. Don’t neglect your foreign languages. Do more work on your papers or your thesis.
- Gemini: You’ll find yourself fantasizing about leaving grad school and becoming a carpenter, or even a lawyer. You’re behind schedule. Today would be a good day to try to get more work done.
- Cancer: Your arguments are subtly flawed, and everything you’re doing is worthless. Today would be a good day to get more work done. Dead philosopher plays role.
- Leo: Beware of sectionees’ sexual harassment grievances. Today would be a good day to suck up to a professor. Job market fears figure prominently. Get back to work!
- Virgo: Emphasis on thesis, work, classes, incompletes, procrastination. Depression not at all inappropriate at this time. Stress careful exegesis and critical assessment of texts. Libra native finds devastating objection to your best argument.
- Libra: Don’t bother preparing for section; you can wing it anyway. Hours will be wasted gossiping in lounge. Lunar aspect highlights unfinished books.
- Scorpio: Problems in love relationship due to being philosophy grad student. Adopt air of bored sophistication. Grade term papers! Leo native begs question.
- Sagittarius: Green light flashes for trying to get more work done. Member of opposite sex annoyed by focus on work. Career prospects unpromising. Cancer would be better.
- Capricorn: Deep-seated confusion pervades your philosophical views. Careful attention to Wittgenstein may induce writing block. Spread rumors about who’s getting jobs where. Requirements figure prominently.
- Aquarius: Thesis looms, considerations from seemingly distant areas of philosophy relevant. A little hand-waving goes a long way. Back up your discs! Moon in Gemini means this time, like all other times, is inauspicious.
- Pisces: Now is time to ‘go meta’, question what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Undermine philosophical motivations, theories. Regress threatens. Study Cancer message for valuable clue.
No matter what the month of birth, the lives of philosophy graduate students are pretty much all the same!