Rationally Selfish Q&A: Sexual Jobs

 Posted by on 25 August 2010 at 5:00 pm  Love/Sex, Psychology, Q&As
Aug 252010
 

Is it immoral to have a sexually-oriented job, such as stripper or pornography actress/actor? Is it wrong of me to enjoy having a sexually-oriented job?

Imagine giving a person the key to your home because you found him/her pretty interesting after an evening of casual chat.

Imagine allowing your co-workers to read you personal journal, including your doubts about your upcoming wedding, if willing to pay a few dollars.

Imagine posting your financial records on the internet for anyone to see — or exploit.

Imagine asking perfect strangers on the subway to inspect the infected wound on your shoulder.

Should that seem like revealing too much of yourself? Yes!

Would that invite nasty people to abuse and exploit you? Yes!

Would that be a massive failure to recognize that different relationships warrant different degrees and kinds of intimacy? Yes!

Unfortunately, many people don’t apply these basic lessons about intimacy to their sex lives.

By its very nature, sex is an intimate act, not merely physically but spiritually too. It requires exposing one’s most delicate parts to handling by another person, in pursuit of the most exquisite pleasure the human body has to offer. Sex can be an exaltation and celebration of life.

Yet sex can also be deeply degrading too, precisely due to its inherent intimacy. For example, the intimacy of sex is degrading when done with an unworthy person, e.g. someone abusive, callous, brutish, or even just dreary. It’s not enough for a sexual partner to be merely tolerable, however. The inherent intimacy of sex demands a serious bond and well-earned trust between two people. It requires a deep and mutual interest in the well-being of the other person. Without that foundation for intimacy, you might as well stay home and play with your own sex toys.

Obviously, such selectivity is precisely what sex workers — strippers, prostitutes, pornographers, etc — cannot exercise. Even if able to refuse the worst of the lot as clients, he/she engages in the most intimate of acts with merely tolerable partners. And to do that well enough to earn money, he/she must create the illusion of intimacy — meaning the pretense of concern for and trust in the other.

In so doing, the sex worker is deeply warping his/her own view of sexuality — such that the reality of sex is smutty and bestial, and the spiritual meaning of sex is mere pretense. A person who develops that view of sex closes off his/her capacity for truly deep and meaningful sexual relationships. Given the value of such relationships, I can’t but regard that as self-destructive.

That being said, I don’t condemn all sexual commerce. Instead, I celebrate what aims to enhance the experience of people seeking genuine pleasure and intimacy in sex, such as sex toys, lingerie, and erotica.

I’m sure that makes me a prude by some people’s standards, and a libertine by others. So be it!

Update: I’m now answering questions on practical philosophy and the principles of living well in my internet radio show Philosophy in Action. The Q&A broadcasts every Sunday morning at 8 am PT / 9 am MT / 10 am CT / 11 am ET. Each week, I select the most popular and interesting questions from the ongoing queue of questions. Please submit your questions, as well as vote and comment on questions that you find interesting!

If you can’t attend the live broadcast, you can listen to the episode later in the podcast archive or by subscribing to the Philosophy in Action Podcast RSS Feed:

Aug 172010
 

When the mind insists on wandering, what are some good ways to help it settle down and focus? How can a person achieve deep concentration? How can a person train himself to concentrate better, aside from sheer discipline?

People often say they can’t listen to audio lectures in their car because their mind wanders too much.

My reply: Baloney! You can do it, if you choose to train yourself.

When I began listening to lectures in my car many years ago, I found that I couldn’t maintain concentration. My mind was simply used to wandering when I would drive. So I chose to cultivate different habits. When I’d notice that my mind was off-track, I’d rewind the tape back to some point I remembered, remind myself to stay focused, then continue listening. I had to do that repeatedly, so often that it probably took me four hours to listen to first hour of lecture. However, after a few lectures, I was able to concentrate well. Since then, I’ve enjoyed so many lectures from The Teaching Company and the Ayn Rand Bookstore, as well as books from Audible. That education has been invaluable for me.

The lesson to draw from that story is simple yet revolutionary: you can train your mind to develop new skills and habits.

Jut as with athletic training, your mental training must be effective. You will accomplish nothing by passively accepting the goings-on of your noodle as “just the way I am.” You will do yourself damage by attempting to bully your mind into doing its supposed duty. Instead, you must seek to understand the nature of the problem. You must ask yourself: Why do I find it difficult to concentrate deeply? If you can identify the problem, then a solution will likely suggest itself.

Consider, for example:

  • Do you really dislike the work that you’re doing? Perhaps you need to acknowledge that to yourself. Perhaps you need to identify why the work is important to your goals. Perhaps you need to change what you’re doing, e.g. change your career, quit school, or drop a hobby.
  • Are you overwhelmed with work? Perhaps you’ve committed to too many projects, and you need to scale back. Perhaps you’re trying to do too much yourself, rather than delegating. Perhaps you need a system to manage your workflow, like GTD. Perhaps you need to prioritize your projectsmore clearly.
  • Are you subject to interruptions that preclude concentration? Perhaps your co-workers pester you, but you need large blocks of uninterrupted time to work. Perhaps you interrupt your work by checking e-mails and blogs, not to mention Twitter, Facebook, and Cow Clicker. Perhaps you’ve gotten in the habit of seeking out those distractions when you encounter some difficulty. If so, shut down those applications, so that you check them only in scheduled breaks.Personally, I struggle with these kinds of productivity issues on a regular basis. I’m always trying to monitor what I’m doing — and tweak that so as to make my work time more productive. I’m not alone in that, I know! So I hope that you’ll post the tweaks you’ve found effective in the comments.

    Update: I’m now answering questions on practical philosophy and the principles of living well in my internet radio show Philosophy in Action. The Q&A broadcasts every Sunday morning at 8 am PT / 9 am MT / 10 am CT / 11 am ET. Each week, I select the most popular and interesting questions from the ongoing queue of questions. Please submit your questions, as well as vote and comment on questions that you find interesting!

    If you can’t attend the live broadcast, you can listen to the episode later in the podcast archive or by subscribing to the Philosophy in Action Podcast RSS Feed:

Rationally Selfish Q&A: Hierarchy of Values

 Posted by on 12 August 2010 at 10:50 am  Ethics, Productivity, Q&As
Aug 122010
 

How do you keep track of your hierarchy of values? How often do you make revisions to it? How detailed is your value hierarchy, how many levels does it have?

Every day, we make choices about what values to pursue from the vast range of possibilities. You might decide to by a new laptop, rather than pay for expensive repairs on your current machine. You might sign up for another martial arts class rather than devote that time to writing a novel or learning to cook. You might forgo your afternoon plans in order to meet a troubled friend for coffee. You might might spend a few cents more to buy the onions you prefer.

These choices might be complex or simple, difficult or easy, wise or foolish. No matter what, they’re shaped by your “hierarchy of values,” meaning the sum total of your judgments of what matters to you and by how much. To the extent that you think before you act, you choose what values to pursue (and your means of doing so) by consulting your value hierarchy in light of your circumstances.

To make truly wise choices, your value hierarchy must be the product of your best thinking about what’s most necessary and conductive to your life and happiness. If your value hierarchy is a tangled mess, you will feel paralyzed, unable to choose between values. You will feel guilty for short-changing the values that you must forgo. You will tend to minor values at the expense of major ones. You will succumb to self-destructive temptations.

So, we can ask: Does clarity in your value hierarchy require you to write it down or specify it in detail?

No, although that might be helpful in some contexts.

With respect to your basic values, you should explicitly identify them, including their relative importance to you. You should know, for example, that your career is more important to you than your marriage, and that your marriage is more important to you than your hobbies. That way, you can know that, as a general matter, you should spend more of your time and effort on your career, less on your marriage, and still less on your hobbies.

If your hierarchy is confused — if you feel paralyzed, uncertain, or guilty about your choices — then grab your pencil and paper! Write down your hierarchy, review it, and revise it. That process can be hugely informative during major life changes too, such as when considering children or a new career.

Your hierarchy of basic values should be pretty sparse, so that you can grasp it in a glance or two. Then, to capture the details, you should track all your various projects and activities. For that, I strongly recommend Getting Things Done. You simply can’t keep track of all your myriad changing projects in your head.

With that kind of clarity about our basic values and projects, we can act with the confidence that we’re pursuing the values that matter most to our own lives and happiness. And that’s good!

Update: I’m now answering questions on practical philosophy and the principles of living well in my internet radio show Philosophy in Action. The Q&A broadcasts every Sunday morning at 8 am PT / 9 am MT / 10 am CT / 11 am ET. Each week, I select the most popular and interesting questions from the ongoing queue of questions. Please submit your questions, as well as vote and comment on questions that you find interesting!

If you can’t attend the live broadcast, you can listen to the episode later in the podcast archive or by subscribing to the Philosophy in Action Podcast RSS Feed:

Rationally Selfish Q&A: Character in Hiring

 Posted by on 3 August 2010 at 11:30 am  Business, Ethics, Q&As
Aug 032010
 

Many thanks to the 75 people who voted 361 times on 10 questions for the first edition of my Rationally Selfish Q&A. I’m delighted by that response to this experiment, and I hope that you enjoy my answer to the top-voted question below.

Given the enthusiastic response so far, I’m pleased to continue the experiment. You can submit and vote on questions for next week’s Q&A on this page. I didn’t pre-load any questions this time, so please submit yours! However, some great questions lost by only a few votes last week. You’re welcome to resubmit any of interest for consideration this week, if you like.

Now, without further ado:

What are the most important qualities of character to look for when you hire people, besides technical ability? How can you determine if a person has those qualities?

More than anything else, honesty — down to the very marrow of the soul.

Some years ago, when working as a web programmer, a client asked me for some data about site traffic. My report was not was favorable, and I hated to be the bearer of bad news. So I tried to soften the blow with something like “I’m sorry to report that…”

My client’s reply startled me. She chided me for being apologetic, saying “Facts are always good!” By that, she wasn’t denying the existence of unwelcome facts. Instead, her point was that you’re always better off knowing the facts, even when they’re not what you’d like, rather than remaining ignorant, mistaken, or deluded. My client was right: facts are always good. And more, that attitude is the essence of true honesty.

Since then, time and again, I’ve found that a person’s most important quality of character is that kind of honesty. For any serious dealings, personal or professional, a person must be committed to the facts of reality above all else. He must be honest to the core.

What does that mean in practice?

  • The honest person doesn’t ignore or deny facts to gratify his feelings and desires: he seeks the truth and acts on that.
  • The honest person doesn’t invent excuses to save face: he admits his errors and reverses course.
  • The honest person doesn’t try to cheat reality by deceiving others: he’s truthful, even when difficult.
  • The honest person doesn’t evade his problems, thereby allowing them to fester and grow: he works to identify and remedy them.

In short, the honest person’s most basic policy is “Reality First!”

The process of judging whether a person is deeply honest requires some time: you need to see — in word and deed — that he regards any willful departure from the facts as unthinkable.

In the process of hiring someone, you can assess a person’s honesty by asking certain kinds of questions, such as:

  • You realize that you’ve made a serious error on a project that will delay delivery. What do you do? Why?
  • A friend on your team asks you to lie to a client about a trivial matter. What do you do? Why?
  • Your boss proposes an idea that you think will likely to fail. What do you do? Why?
  • What was the worst mistake you made in your prior job? What did you do about it? What might you do differently now? Why?
  • You realize that a policy you implemented over the objections of your team is having just the kind of negative effects they predicted. What do you do now? Why?

A person’s answers to such questions can reveal much about his commitment to facts — or the lack thereof.

Most of all, remember that in judging people, just as with everything else, “facts are good!”

Update: I’m now answering questions on practical philosophy and the principles of living well in my internet radio show Philosophy in Action. The Q&A broadcasts every Sunday morning at 8 am PT / 9 am MT / 10 am CT / 11 am ET. Each week, I select the most popular and interesting questions from the ongoing queue of questions. Please submit your questions, as well as vote and comment on questions that you find interesting!

If you can’t attend the live broadcast, you can listen to the episode later in the podcast archive or by subscribing to the Philosophy in Action Podcast RSS Feed:

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